More personal...

My days here are numbered
and at the end of my tenure
I pray that I pause, turn around as the rushing wind, urging me on, hits my face,
and that I'll have peace that I have been a good servant, a good bride, a good love
to the King, the paupers and the princes that I've spent my 50+ years with
and that through my service and my love and tears and scraped knees they were drawn a little bit closer
to the Infinite Spark of Truth and Beauty and Grace
...
but I fear that I am being tainted by this world,
that my lovely and righteous Infinite Spark is being choked out by worries and money and hate and pain
and that at the end of my days I will not have much left to give to anyone else
I may be walking into Heaven but a realization like that will be a glimpse into Hell.
So how do I un-break these chains of doubt and scrambling, digging and trying to claw my way above the water just so I can breath for a damn minute?
I have these thoughts of what would I change but I can't change the would'ves
so what can I change?
Simplify.
But how?
I don't know.
I just have to start trying.
I guess that is going to take some more scrambling but hopefully it will end soon
because I need some peace.